Second Rate
by Ryan Brooklyn
Summary: “What does he have that I don’t have? Why can’t she look at me the way she looks at him?” Jacob Black contemplates his feelings for Bella and is just generally angsty. Set sometime during New Moon.


**A/N: So I was reading New Moon and got this idea for a short oneshot. So here you go. (Just for the record, I love both Edward and Jacob. ;-) )**

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own anything that has to do with Twilight, New Moon, or any of the characters therein (unfortunately). Those all belong to Stephenie Meyer._

**Rating: **G to PG

**Genre:** Angst/Friendship/Romance

**Summary:** "What does he have that I don't have? Why can't she look at me the way she looks at him?" Jacob Black contemplates his feelings for Bella and is just generally angsty. Set sometime in New Moon.

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**Second Rate**

I watched her carry the dishes from the table to the sink, offering to help Emily with the dishes. Looking at her, I knew she had to be an angel. She had to be! Alabaster skin, kind eyes, a beautiful laugh, a sweet smiling mouth . . . she could not be anything else. I wondered if I could ever ascend to her level of radiance and help her to accept me. I wondered what I would have to do to win her heart from that . . . bloodsucker.

What did he have that I didn't have? Why couldn't she look at me the way she looked at him? He was nothing special . . . not really. I had plenty of good qualities. What did he have that I didn't?

_Well, perfect looks for one,_ my brain commented with a snicker as I ran my hand through my hair agitatedly. _A nice car. Lots of money. Oh yeah, and he has her heart._

"_Shut up,"_ I hissed inwardly, attempting to shut my brain up. Yeah sure he had all those things, but I had good traits too. A lot of them. I could . . . fix things like cars and stuff. I had good looks. I was _alive_. Heck, she even called me kinda beautiful once.

"_Take that Cullen, she thinks I'm kinda beautiful."_ I tried to boot my confidence with little success.

_Yeah, and he's just kinda perfect. Can you reach perfection, Black?_

I wondered if there was a way to shut your brain up, or at least stop it from making snarky comments. I watched her movements closely, memorizing them in my head. She was laughing at something Emily had said. I focused my eyes on her head and wished I had the power of persuasion or something.

"_Look at me,"_ I commanded her with my mind. _"Look at me. Look at me. Be mine. Mine. Not Cullen's . . . mine."_

Strangely enough she did turn to glance at me, but she only gave me a vague smile before turning back to Emily. My forehead connected rather forcefully on the dining room table where I sat. Back when I was a normal teenage boy that would have hurt like the dickens. However now that I'm an abnormal teenage boy, I hardly felt it. Instead I felt like an idiot. There was no way I could compare to Cullen. That bloodsucker. That leech. In her mind I was just second rate to him. I was her bandage when he had left her, and I knew that, despite the fact that he had left her broken and alone in the forest, if she ever saw him again she would go running to him as if I had never existed. Such is the fate of a used bandage.

But I didn't mind, not really. Being the bandage I mean. I would do anything for her. And I do mean anything. Well, anything other than find a way for her to see that bloodsucker again, although sometimes I felt that's what she really wanted. There were times when I would catch her staring off into the distance, an anguished, sometimes dead expression on her face. Then I wanted to hunt Cullen down all right, and give him the beating he would never forget. He would deserve it too, for hurting her like this.

I had almost forgotten my face was in the table when I heard snickering and looked up to see Jared and Embry staring at me, stupid grins on their faces. I scowled back.

"What do you want?" I snarled softly, not wanting her to hear my tone and look over here.

"Jake, if you're trying to make out with the table, I seriously doubt you're going to get any kind of response," Jared said, with a raised eyebrow. Embry snickered again.

I groaned at the bad joke and slammed my head back down again. "Shut up and go away," I mumbled, not in the mood for Jared's lewd humor.

"Dude, don't do that," Jared said, unable to keep his mouth shut. "You don't want to cause any more damage to that poor brain of yours."

I growled and stood abruptly, knocking over my chair with a loud clatter, my fists curled tightly, feeling almost ready to burst. Embry took a step back but Jared simply grinned. Emily went on cleaning the dishes as if this was a normal occurrence (which it kind of was), but she turned and looked at me, her brown eyes filled with concern.

"Jake," she said softly. "Are you okay?"

I forced a smile to reassure her. "Sure, sure," I said, shrugging. "Just going for a walk." I gave Jared and Embry each a pointed look. They simply smirked and followed me out of the door. I walked quickly, hoping to lose them, but the kept doggedly up with me. Finally I turned and looked at them.

"_What_?" I growled.

"Cliff-diving," Jared suggested, and Embry nodded vigorously. I heaved a great, dramatic sigh. Then I realized it wasn't very fair to them to be moping all the time, so I forced another grin and stripped off my shirt and tossed my shoes to the side.

"Beat you there," I told them, before turning and taking off as fast as I could across the reservation, making my way toward the cliffs. I could hear the swift footsteps of Jared and Embry on my heels. Soon enough Paul joined us, I could feel his presence. He ran faster than the rest and quickly caught up with me. I glanced over at him and noticed his intent expression. I pushed myself harder and passed him. He took up the challenge and began running faster as well.

For some reason it became something more than simply a race to get to the cliff. Paul still did not like the fact that I insisted on protecting the "vampire girl" as if he thought using her as bait was a good idea. But there was no way I was going to let him use her like that. None of them would touch her if I had my way. With a growl I pushed ahead of him just in time to reach the cliffs.

Without waiting for anyone or slowing down, I launched myself off the cliff, falling down . . . down . . . down to the water below. I braced myself for the impact. When it came it was shocking but also refreshing. It caused my mind to suddenly clear, although her face was suddenly prominent in the front of my mind. I remembered my promise to jump off this cliff with her and hoped to goodness that her clumsiness would not harm her in anyway. Although many people didn't get hurt by jumping off one of the smaller cliffs, I'm sure she would find someway to injure herself.

I popped out of the water and took a deep gasp for oxygen. Embry's head broke the surface of the water next to me. He saw me and made a face.

"Do you _have_ to keep thinking about her?" he asked, shuddering slightly.

I glared. "You got a problem with that?" I demanded. He shrugged but before he could answer, Jared's huge form hit the water next to us and a big wave covered us. I had not been expecting it and came up sputtering.

"That was suh-weet!" Jared exclaimed, and high-fived with Embry. I rolled my eyes and hastened out of the water. Paul was already there, sitting on her log (although why my mind automatically designated that spot as hers I wasn't going to dare say). He grinned at me.

"Good race," he said, punching my shoulder as I sat down next to him, shaking water out of my hair like a dog.

"Thanks," I muttered, trying my best not to think of _her_. It was hard. I glanced up at the sky and saw that it was darkening. I suddenly stood with a quiet curse, remembering that now was the time she was going to head home with Charlie. I couldn't let her leave without _some_ kind of farewell.

Paul gave me a weird look then rolled his eyes. I ignored him and took off through the woods, not caring that I was still soaked from my dive. The wind whipped past me as I ran, drying me pretty quickly. By the time I reached the house and saw her getting into her truck, I was completely dry, although my hair was still damp and stuck up in all directions. I tried to smooth it the best I could as I approached her. She was just closing the door of the truck and I knew I had to speak now or forever hold my peace.

"Bella!" I bellowed, much louder than I had meant to. My voice startled her so much she almost fell out of the driver's seat, opening the door again and climbing out.

"What?" she said, her beautiful brown eyes wide with alarm. "What's wrong?"

"Huh?" I answered, wondering what she was talking about. "Nothing's wrong."

She looked at me skeptically. "Then why did you shout my name like that just now?" she asked, tilting her head back slightly to look at me. My heart began pounding so loudly I was sure she could hear it. Man she was beautiful.

"Oh, uh, I just wanted to say bye," I said lamely, lifting a hand in a small wave.

She looked at me incredulously for a moment before laughing. I grinned sheepishly, feeling rather stupid but relishing the sound of her laugh. It rang like a hundred little bells and I wanted to snatch it out of the air and hold it close forever. However she stopped laughing after a moment and shook her head slightly (at my stupidity most likely), still smiling.

"Goodbye Jacob," she said, reaching over to squeeze my hand gently before turning away and getting back into the truck. I swiftly reached out and grabbed the door before she could swing it shut.

"Drive safely," I told her, grinning but still dead serious . . . uh, very serious.

"I will," she promised, giving me another smile although this time it did not quite reach her eyes. "See you later."

"Yeah," I said, letting go of the door and stepping back. "See you." I waved again before sticking my hands inside my pockets. She shut the door and waved slightly before pulling out of the yard and driving off back toward Forks. I watched the truck until I couldn't see it anymore, flexing and relaxing the hand she had squeezed. Her hand had been so cold, as usual, and if I concentrated I could still feel it.

I clenched my fist, trying to hold it as long as I could. Too soon it faded away and I only felt my own heat. Once again I began wishing, hoping, praying that one day she would look at me the way she always looked at _him_. That one day I wouldn't be just second rate. That one day I would hold her heart. However that day seemed farther away then I wanted it to be. I heaved a sigh that could compete with the one I had let out earlier, my depression kicking in as it usually did after she left.

I wanted to know what it felt like, to have my love reciprocated. I wanted to know what her lips felt like, what they tasted like. I wanted to run my fingers through her silky hair and not feel resistance. I wanted her to want me like I wanted her. But I knew it could never be like that . . . not really. She would always be pining after that leech. The knowledge that I would probably have to wait quite a while for her to see me as something other than second rate did not deter me in the slightest. I could be patient. I could wait.

I could wait for my Bella.

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